Our relationship as a couple has ended. But know that my love for you won't. It'll last till jannah, insya'Allah.

Never have i thought that i would love you this much. I know that one day, i need to leave you, but i never knew it would be this hard. I'm still in love with you. Even if you keep on saying I'm your bestfriend.

Syg, dear, love and many more loving words in not appropriate anymore. How sad... I really wanna call you all that. I miss you. I miss us. And i miss me. The old me. The happy me when I'm with you.

10 more days and I'll be our 5th monthsary. I wanna hug you so much. I wanna kiss you. But it's impossible.. I just have to be content with what i have now..which is..you being by my side..as my bestfriend.

We're not close as we used to. And I'm sorry about that. I make you uncomfortable. I'll always pray to be your wife. Not only in this world, but also the hereafter. Amin.

It's meant to happen. We are not meant for each other even though i still wish we were. I love you so much and i still do.

I kept crying when there's a chance for me to think. And  i hate it. It seems like every moment i will think of you. You yourself knows that i can't really leave you. You told me that. It still lingers in my head.

Yesterday, 20/11/14, was the last day i became your girl. It sadden me cos i had imagine and had always pray that you would be the one leading the prayer for me. I still pray that you'd be my khalifah. Yesterday was full of tears, so as today. When i hold your hands, i cried. I cried when i realize that it'll be last time i hold your things, see how you eat, how you smoke, everything about you. I cried right after you vanish behind the concrit wall.

Can't you come back to me? Love me naturally? I wonder if you ever loved me truthfully. I don't want any sympathy from you or anyone. I just want something sincere from people around me. I don't think anybody can understand what I'm feeling except Allah. I've prayed, but it's never enough.

Adly Shafiq Bin Jalil Bin Ahmad you're born in
22 June 1995. You're living at circuit road, the same block number as my watsons workplace. You're the youngest of your siblings and you have some temper going on in you. Your Xbox 360 is your baby. It'll always be Double McSpicy Meal Upsize without lettuce add cheese for your McDelivery. If you're broke, you would buy Samporna instead of Winston Red, and red is your favourite colour. You would be puffing like a train if you're out with friends. Mawaddah is a regular place for you. UR is your kompang group that you joined. Your second house is at Ped's. Planless People will be the frequent people you meet. It seems like many more things that i can write but this is enough. This is the basic things about you. I've learned all this in 4 months time.

We've known each other for 4-5 years time. I don't want to lose you or this friendship. I can't bear the thought of it, at all. Even though i always pray to be with you. You as the king of our kingdom, a khalifah of our battles, an imam of a prayer. But i don't wanna risk losing you. Never.

It hurts so much just knowing we're on the verge of a break up. I don't know how can i live without him. My life now includes him. Or should i say he's my life. I can't stop myself from looking at his whatsapp. Waiting for his reply.

I know that my love towards him can't surpass his love towards zee. I can't deny that i get jealous. But what right do i have to get angry? I'm attached to him while he still loves her. It's right for zee to get angry with me cos i took her love.

I don't mean to replace her. I love him as he is. I don't know when this spark of love begins. What i know is 4 years ago i told Hadree that i like him. Never did i expect that likeness change into love. I love him sincerely.

If we're meant to go our seperate ways, know that i still love you at that point. And i will still love you forever. Deep in my heart, there's a space for you that nobody can replace. It might take a few years for me to really let you go. This is if we're separated.

Truthfully, i don't to go our seperate ways. I want us. I want you and me, till jannah. I miss you. I miss us. I just wanna be close to you. I just wanna be your pillar of strength. It's all because i love you. And i need you very much.

Everything's happening one after the other. Fight after fight. I'm tired. Too tired to bottle everything up. I just wanna burst up. Show them that I've had enough.

I don't know who to let it out to. I'm troublesome, that i know. And so i don't want to trouble anybody. Be it in the family or my social life. Especially towards Adly, my love. He has been very patience towards me. All my stupid attitude. I'm the one who been making most trouble. I'm the troubled girl.

Most of the time, he's the one who have to listen to my nagging, my anger and all my trouble. But i feel guilty everytime. Guilty cause he have to go through all this shit. All because of me.

I've tried to console somebody else but they just don't understand me enough. Or they too have their own problem to bother about. Tweeting somehow makes me look like a pathetic human being. While blogging isn't sufficient enough.

I know, especially in my lowest time, i should pray to the one and only god, Allah swt. I should be telling him all the problems i had instead to his creatures, living or non living things. I'm not a good subject indeed.

I hope as time goes by, i become a better person. My relationship with my family gets better. My relationship with Adly gets even better. And my relationship towards my lord becomes stronger. Amin.

Labels: repost

I don't know what's happening to me right now. Maybe pms. Or maybe I'm just tired. Everything happened for a reason. Just like what the novel that i just read.

Setai Hujung Nyawa. That's the title of the book. It holds many value and morals for us, human. It shows me that if Allah fated us to be together then we shall be together. Allah's mery on us is very huge.

I as human, a girl from a muslim family, is full of sins. Only Allah knows how big it is. And if it has been forgiven..

I'm getting emotionally unstable since 5 o'clock. Everything that I'm doing seems wrong. My emotions change drastically. At one time I'll be a happy kid. Smiling and laughing. At another, I'll be angry, pissed off and feel like crying. Thank Allah cos i have my happy pills at that moment.

I'm better now. Relaxing.. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day for me��

This few days, I've been dreaming about him. Twice was during his trip to Malacca. And once was this morning. It's not like this is the first time I'm dreaming about him. But all these dream really shows that i love him so much.

The first dream was the first night he was at Malacca. I was waiting for his text. Wondering if there's any wifi there. Then i found out that his friend post a pic. And the caption included 'limited wifi'. That's when i realized that i just have to wait till he's back in SG. And so i dream that he texted in the awesome cyclers group. And i was so sad about it. Hahha. Pathetic. But i knew that if he were to text me with the limited wifi it wouldn't be worth it.

The second dream was the very next day. That day, i accompanied my friend to meet someone. I knew them, and they too knew me. And at one point they suddenly asked how is my relationship with him. I was shocked. I didn't expect them to ask me that. I was wondering if he told them. And that night i dreamt that he confessed by texying me. Saying that, he told his friends. Hahah.

And this morning was the horrible dream ever. I dreamt that we were on a trip to some showcase or some kind of museum. And he was there. My parents were there. My former and present classmates were there too. At one point, we were eating and talking at the same time. I'm not sure how we come to a fight about me loving him. A girl named, Muzayanah told my parents that he is a no good guy. Telling everybody that he is just not for me. I cried, denying all that cos i knew him better than all of them. My parents doesn't approve of him. And i was crying, walking away from them. Only the one who understands me followed me. And i woke up from that horrible dream just to realized that I'm nearly crying. I was sobbing.

I just don't know why i dream of him. But what i know is that i love him so much. And that he comes into my dreams was facinating.

The truth is out. And yes i love him. So my 4 years of waiting is finally done. But i can't deny that I'll be jealous of his ex. Their love for each other is just so deep. And I'm prepared to overcome this. I know i can.

At this moment, I'm trying to know him better. Prove my love to him. Cherish him for as long as i can. And I'm also hoping to stay in his heart foever. Hoping that i do have a place there. Not as deep as his ex but as important.

Talking about the future does make me wonder if it will really happen. What i can do now is pray for the best. Just like how i pray to be with him. Maybe he's here for a moment. Maybe forever. But he's here for a reason. My happiness is in him. And i hope it's forever.

Jealousy. It will always be there. Whether I'm concern or not, just know that deep down I'll be jealous. Jealous because i care for you. Because i love you. But I don't want any unreasonable fights in the relationship. And know that there will be a reason for everything i do. And I do not regret this decision that i made.

Labels: The only decision that i will regret is letting you go.

Making people happy is best feeling ever. That is what i love to do. But at the end of the day, I'm suffering. Somehow. Just so to make the ones i love happy.

I'm always the broken hearted girl.

But this broken hearted girl had gone true so much. Not losing any hope of finding a way to make the pain go. Becoming a stronger person at every step of her life.

The sun always shine after the rain. The quote describe this life of hers exactly. But the rain do come at night. And while waiting for the sun, that is the moment of lost.

Picking myself up when I'm at the lowest part of my life. Crying just to subside the anger and sadness. Making an unregretable decisions at every time of my life.

But again. This is me. I'll keep on making people happy. I've never regreted that. Loving people even though it seems wrong. That is just me. I've never regreted that.

Ever since secondary one, the mistakes that i did, I've never regreted it. Not at all. Even though i knew i would be broken hearted.

I am who i am. No one can chamge me. My attitude.  My dressing. This just who i am.

Yes, I'm from an islamic school but how you will see me is the opposite.  I've been mixing with people that is non-muslim. Or some just who doesn't have any islamic background. They are human. And it's my choice of friends. I'm not perfect. And that i know.

But just believe in me. I won't do any stupid things. I make mistakes. I'm a human for goodness sake. I've promised myself not to make mistakes that is gonna change my life for the bad. Once is enough.

This few days aku asek breathless je. Penat oi. Nk tdo je confirm tkley nafas. Maybe kalau mlm kne lg, probably aku gi poly. And now aku tgh otw pegi Jurong East. Nk jmpe Nadhrah & Aisyah. Kteorg nk gi mkn tpi tk tau lah ni breakfast ke lunch. Hahah. That's it for now. Cos kne save battery. Hee